The Least of These

“Truly I tell you, the tax collectors and the prostitutes are going into the kingdom of God ahead of you”. - Matthew 21:31B

 I have been back from Indonesia for a little over a week. It has been a struggle to put all that I have seen and experienced in a neat little package. There are so many faces and stories that run through my mind. We walked in places where the darkness is seeking to kill and destroy. Our feet treaded among the dead as we walked through a cemetery where prostitutes turn tricks for pocket change. We spent time among those withering and dying as they are locked away and forgotten. We spent time among people who lost what little they had as flood waters washed it all away.

 

The faces of these places of human suffering impacted my heart, yet my take away was not the power of darkness; it was rather the wonder of the kingdom of God. These are people who have been called the least, forgotten, unworthy, and shameful – yet, walking among the darkness of the cemetery, I saw His light breaking through; it is breaking though in the beautiful faces of these women that the world wants to forget! In these women I saw authentic hunger for the touch of their savior. In them I saw a love for the community around them. In them I saw his joy and peace. As I prayed with them, held them, and looked in their eyes - I saw His eyes looking back at me. These women are not forgotten, for He has remembered them! Though in the kingdom of man they may be consider last, it is not so in His kingdom. I truly felt honored to be among them and it is I who is not worthy of them!

As I reflect on my time among these people that my heart now loves - I think about the words of Jesus in the verse above. It was to people like those we met that Jesus showed unyielding grace, love and mercy. However, it was those who already had it all figured out, who took it on themselves to decide what was clean and unclean, and took pride and confidence in their religion - it was these who missed the kingdom of God even as it walk among them in the flesh.   

My take away from this trip is simply a willingness to not have it all figured out, to not find confidence in my good deeds, my church attendance, or in my good ‘spiritual disciplines’, rather I am just in awe of the love of my savior and the power of His goodness to shine through any darkness. I am in awe of His gentle love that holds the broken close, His tender voice that speaks life amongst the dead and His wiliness to call a prostitute His own daughter as He walks among her as her loving Daddy! If God does not look down in Judgment on these hurting souls, then I will not be among those who throw the first stone! God’s love truly has the power to transform and I have seen this beautiful exchange in the flesh and my life will never be the same...

A Journey to Trust

Wow, it has been a long time since I have posted anything. So much life has happened over the last year and a half! There is a picture I deeply want to paint of the journey God has brought us through, but as I have typed and re-typed I realize words fail... at least mine :). So, I will just do my best and pray God paints the picture for you.

 I am beginning to discover an amazing and powerful truth! A truth not just known in my mind, but rather a truth that is changing the way I live. This truth is that God is always God no matter what is going on around you, and your identity and value to Him are not to be gauged by the way your life seems to be going. I know it sounds simple and we all already know that, right? It is easily said, but I think as God helps us live this truth out it can dramatically change the weight of life’s struggles on our shoulders. Let me give you example from my own life and why I think this truth holds such power.

This past year and half has been a bit of a challenge in the area of my health. I have had some very odd medical issues that have had me in the hospital several times and seeing many, many specialty doctors. I have not felt all that well for more than a day or two for this whole season of life. I have prayed over and over that the next doctor would have an answer for me, only to be disappointed by another dead end and large medical bill. There have been times where I felt deeply discouraged and left alone. However, what I missed in the journey was that God was at work in all of the unanswered questions, He was working while I felt abandoned. He was changing me; He was drawing me closer to Him and doing an amazing work. God wasted not one moment of the painful days or unmet expectations. What I was not aware of on the surface is that deep down I gauged my identity and my security with God based on how life circumstances were going. When a doctor didn’t have an answer for me the pain I felt was that God was letting me down and not interested in my struggles. As God began to woo me to trust him more fully I began to let go of my need for answers, I began to simply press into Him no matter the result. We had a bit of a rest from some of the medical woos until last week, and in this moment God revealed the fruit of the work He was doing in my life…

It started with an opportunity for me and my wife to leave for a few days without our kids. Jenny and I were so looking forward to a time to get away and recharge! Prior to leaving things seemed to just be happening. I lost my wallet right before leaving, my son got sick and threw up on me as we dropped him off with friends on the way to the airport, had some work problems, etc. In the midst of things building, Jen and I felt a strong sense that God was saying that he was giving us an opportunity to trust him. Without going into too much detail, the next few days were full of things going great and things going opposite of what I would have hoped for, however we were engaging in the opportunity to trust and God took each moment, good and ‘bad’ and showed us His profound goodness. He gave us clear glimpses of where we have been and where He has taken us. God brought us to moments of our wounded past and showed how He has brought healing and restoration. He gave us clear and overwhelming pictures of how he has filled in gaps and brought such blessing to our lives.

When we got home the opportunity to trust continued! We got home Sunday evening. After heading off to bed I woke up to my throat swelling shut, I woke my wife and she called 911 and off I went in another ambulance ride for another expensive hospital stay… here we go again…  but no this time it was different…

 God in his goodness brought me back to a painful place and gave me a chance to walk with Him in trust. While trusting and knowing God was not absent, but actively at work for my good, my eyes were fully open to the blessing of God in the middle of a struggle. I came away realizing the gift God had given me. I no longer need to fret about how things will turn out, I am confident that I am safe in His arms and that he profoundly loves me. I fully know He is not wasting a moment! He is bringing life from every hurt, pain, and struggle!  As I was lying in the ambulance I can honestly say I was more excited to see what God was going to do rather than feeling the hurt of being alone, or the anger of being here again. 

As we walk through times of pain and hurt I believe the enemy of our souls thrives on these moments and starts speaking lies over us. He wants us to be angry, to feel left alone and to turn to our own devices to cope. However, when we have come to a place of belief that God is deeply for us and when we feel most safe wrapped in His embrace, we shut the mouth of the devil and strip him of his power, if every struggle, pain, and fear drives me to the feet of my savior, where is the devils power?! It is no more; his voice is powerless and defeated by the deafening truth that God is for you!

Welcoming Embrace

For a few months I was really struggling with depression and feeling very hopeless in my faith. I felt very disconnected from God and my trust in His goodness was starting to slip. One night I was feeling so overwhelmed and hopeless, I cried out to God that I needed Him to speak to me… I am convinced He did in the most unusual way!

Sleep was escaping me that night, I tossed and I turned and tossed again. Finally, I drifted off to sleep. Ah sleep at last! Suddenly I had the unmistakable feeling I was being watched! I slowly opened my eyes afraid of what I was about to find… as I slowly return to consciousness I saw Jesus staring me in the face… ok not really, but that would have been awesome! :) It was the eyes of my daughter, something had awoken her from sleep and as she often does she headed straight for my bedside. Once, I realized it was not the Messiah coming to take me home, I gathered my thoughts and gently asked her what was the matter. She was dazed and hardly even awake, so I just reached down and picked her up only to find that she was soaking wet. She had wet her bed. I quickly got up changed her clothes, her bed, and got her warm and comfortable. As soon as I tucked her back in bed she turned over and went right to sleep. Her world was right again. I was not angry for the inconvenience, I didn’t feel the need for her to know I had just fallen asleep after a restless night; in fact I was glad she came to me. When my daughter has a problem her first instinct is to come to me. She has no fear of what she will find, she knows I love her and will take care of her.

I returned to bed and went back to sleep. The next morning I was at Starbucks (I know big surprise) journaling. Then God brought to mind my prayer for him to speak to me just before my daughter’s nighttime interruption. God began to reveal His answer to that prayer. I began to weep as God showed me my deepest desire… My daughter woke up cold and uncomfortable, without much thought she came to my side, found me kind and willing to help. Her needs were met and she was returned to a place of safety. Even though she had peed all over herself, I loved her, held her, and fixed her mess. How I long to know my Father like that! When I find myself cold, wet, and covered in my own mess I hesitate to seek my heavenly Father. I am afraid I will seek Him and find Him absent, uninterested, or angry. How I long to be picked up and cared for…

I am a selfish mess of a man, yet I still so love my children! I am passionately and intentionally committed to them knowing they are loved. When they are acting the most unlovable I speak my words of love over them. I tell them I love them when they are being obedient perfect little angels, I tell them of my love even more loudly when they are breaking all the rules and throwing food in my face. I love them because of who they are, not how they behave. I will make hundreds (ok probably thousands) of mistakes as I raise my kids, but my deepest desire is that they will never doubt I love them… If I even though I am evil can love like that, what must God’s love be like? What is His heart for me? Could He be passionate about me knowing He loves me? When I am being most unlovable, could He really be intentionally proclaiming His love over me even louder? When I wake up cold, wet, and stuck in my own mess can I run to His side and find Him gentle and kind. Would He really hold me, change me, and bring me back to a place of safety… if this is true about Him what else really matters! It’s true! That is what God was speaking to me that night!

Surpassing Understanding

‘The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.’

Several nights ago I had a night to remember! I spent the evening with my 2 ½ year old (Alaina) and my 3 month old (Caleb) while my wife was babysitting for some friends. The night started off very normal. Caleb was down for a nap and I was playing Legos with Alaina. All of the sudden I had a strong feeling something wasn’t right. I got up and headed down the hall when I caught the unmistakable smell of something burning. I started to frantically search the house for the source of the smell. My search took me to the storage closet downstairs. I opened the door to the closet and found a bag of Alaina’s baby clothes that were beginning to burn! Somehow the bag was resting against an exposed light bulb in the closet; it was smoldering and starting to burn the ceiling. I quickly grabbed the bag and tossed it outside. Right at that moment all of the smoke detectors in the house went off! I ran upstairs and found a very frightened Alaina trembling terrified of the noise. I grabbed her and headed back downstairs. When I arrived downstairs I noticed a warm glow from outside coming through the curtains, as I opened the curtain I was shocked to find 7 to 8 foot flames rolling up the side of my house. It quickly turned into a comical scene as I tried to convince a 2 ½ year old that her daddy frantically running in and out of the house and all over the yard looking for something to use to extinguish the fire was totally normal. I kept telling her she had nothing to worry about… she wasn’t buying it!

I got the fire out and as my adrenaline started to subside I was overcome with thankfulness. Had I found that bag 1 minute later I would have discovered a closet completely engulfed in flames! I would have had no other choice than to grab my children, take them out into the cold and watch our house burn down! I can’t imagine what a terrible sight that would have been for Alaina! I have no doubt that the unshakable feeling that something wasn’t right was God telling me to act right now. I was so thankful for his caring for my family; however my most thankful moment was still yet to come.

After the excitement had passed Alaina was very unsettled by the whole experience. She would not let me leave her presence or put her down. As we headed into her room for bedtime that night she was still holding very tightly to her daddy. I really didn’t think she was going to be able to sleep in her room. I tried to go through our typical bedtime routine, but it just wasn’t happening. Finally, I asked Alaina if we could pray… she said yes, so I held her tightly in my arms as we talked to her heavenly Daddy about the event that was so rocking her night. I asked Him to hold her and give her peace. When I said amen, Alaina immediately crawled out of my lap and into her bed. As I just watched she said her own 2 year old prayers and went right to sleep. I left her room completely moved by the goodness of our Father!

I am aware that a 2 ½ year old has a very limited concept of God, yet in the midst of her lack of understanding God gave her real, tangible, unexplainable PEACE. This is God’s promise for me! He promises me a peace that transcends my own understanding to guard my heart and mind. Yet, I rarely seek peace in this way. Rather, I want to first understand, for I still somehow believe that understanding will result in peace. I have not understood so much of my life of late, however, the real problem is that I so often miss the beautiful fact that my Daddy is always there offering a peace that transcends everything else.

I can’t find the words to express to you the love I feel for my children. I love them fiercely. I desire nothing but good for them. I so hated seeing my daughter frightened that night! I was faced with my own powerlessness to provide her the peace she needed. Yet, as I walked away from her room I was completely convinced that her Daddy (and mine) had her firmly in His embraced… I still don’t fully understand how she was able to rest in the embrace of a God she doesn’t really understand. However, I just know I want to be more like her... I want to be able to rest in my lack of understanding and simply be held by my Father…

Stand Firm

“If you do not stand firm in your faith,

you will not stand at all.” Isaiah 7:9 B

These words are penetrating my soul at the moment. As I read this verse in Isaiah I notice it is underlined, highlighted, and circled in my bible. I remember how I so loved this verse and I can hear my old enthusiastic amen ringing in my head! I felt oh so confident in my determination to ‘stand in my faith’. I would never be shaken!

Oh how I was wrong! The words of this verse are so much more true to me today. However, I struggle more now than ever to ‘stand in faith’. In years past this was just a beautiful ideal. To me it meant nothing more than my effort to not overly worry about anything and then God would come through and prove I had nothing to worry about in the first place. Well, that is not standing in faith at all! That is just positive thinking and my own imagination. Faith goes so far beyond that understanding. Faith is a knowing that no matter what it looks like, feels like, or your own instincts tell you the only place of safety is in your knowledge of God. It is choosing to let Him into every part of your life (even the most painful) and submitting to His Holy work of healing. It is choosing to stay engaged with him even when the circumstances of life seem to be contradicting His character.

When my faith is being put to the fires, I am constantly looking for something else to stand firm in. Something more immediate, something I can control. When God in His infinite goodness brings me face to face with my doubts and brokenness, I still quickly buy into the lie that I can stand firm in something other than He. When I am slighted by a friend, suffering with pain, or struggling as a parent I just want to run to something else… anything else! I still believe that I can protect myself.

The truth of this verse however, has been confirmed over and over. God IS my only sure refuge. His answers for my pain may not be the immediate answer I am often seeking. Yet, when I have stood in faith and entrusted my weakness and fear to no other than God Himself, I have found a love and grace so far beyond the temporal relief my own efforts brought. Why then do I still so often choose to stand in anything other than being fully dependent on God to keep me? Oh Lord, save me from me!

Faith Like a Child

Several nights ago I was awoken from a deep sleep by the panicked screams of my 2 year old daughter. She was crying out daddy, daddy, daddy! I jumped out of bed and raced into her room. There I found a terrified little girl wanting to be held by her daddy. She had experienced her first nightmare. As I did my best to interpret the unique language of a toddler, I was able to conclude that her nightmare had something to do with some kind of crazy killer vacuum cleaner. As I held her firmly she started to calm down and melt into my arms. I could actually feel the safety and security she was experiencing simply by being held by her daddy. At that moment what had so terrified her moments ago mattered little for she was now in the care of her daddy!

I then told her how silly it is to be afraid of a vacuum cleaner! I told her that next time she has such an irrational response to her emotions she should try and work it out herself before involving me… Of course I didn't say that! I didn't care that her fears were irrational! I only cared that she was afraid and hurting. Nothing could have stopped me from comforting her! However, how often I handle my own irrational fears and immaturity as though God's response to me would be as I described above. I spend so much time 'processing' in an attempt to work out my own life. My adult brain tells me that I should not be feeling what I am feeling, so I try to logically convince myself that there is nothing to fear. The truth, however, is that I am still just a little kid afraid of a vacuum!

I think my daughters response to her fearful nightmare was such a beautiful picture of what it means to have childlike faith. My daughter didn't try to reason or handle her fear on her own, rather when confronted with something that frighten her she knew only one response... Daddy, daddy, daddy! Oh what I can learn from her!

Deliverance

As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him. 43And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years,[a] but no one could heal her. 44She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped. Luke 8:43-44

We are all very familiar with this story. What an amazing healing after 12 years of pain and bondage! We meet this woman at the end of her long struggle. However, I believe the preceding 12 years truly tell the story. At times on her journey of healing this moment, standing face to face with her healer must have seemed worlds away. Was her healing simply in this moment? Or, had a sovereign God been preparing her for this encounter for all those years that she felt left alone? Had this passage read ‘a woman had suffered from bleeding for the past 5 minutes’ this healing would not have been so remarkable.

45"Who touched me?" Jesus asked. When they all denied it, Peter said, "Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you."

46But Jesus said, "Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me."

47Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. Luke 8:45-47

I find it quite strange that the reaction to this apparent deliverance was fear and insecurity! She was just set free from 12 years of suffering! Where is the jumping up and down? Should she not be dancing in the streets? Yet, we find her trembling in fear, afraid that she will be discovered. I would suggest that her deliverance was still another word away! God had something more in mind for this woman than to stop her bleeding, He wished to reach her suffering heart, to speak something of himself to her and to declare her identity in Him.

48Then he said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace."

He called her daughter! That was the deliverance! This was the healing that started for her 12 years earlier. All the times over these 12 years that this woman had felt abandoned, alone, and rejected her Dad was at work for her good. He was orchestrating this scene! He had brought her to the end of all she knew, so that stripped of all else she could hear the tender, loving, and powerful voice of her dad proclaiming that she was HIS. A woman who entered this story broken, despised, and alone encounters her healer in her greatest weakness and it was here that God spoke life to her wounded heart! She came to him nothing and left a daughter of the King… a princess! Now that’s deliverance!!! Oh yeah, and her bleeding stop…