For a few months I was really struggling with depression and feeling very hopeless in my faith. I felt very disconnected from God and my trust in His goodness was starting to slip. One night I was feeling so overwhelmed and hopeless, I cried out to God that I needed Him to speak to me… I am convinced He did in the most unusual way!
Sleep was escaping me that night, I tossed and I turned and tossed again. Finally, I drifted off to sleep. Ah sleep at last! Suddenly I had the unmistakable feeling I was being watched! I slowly opened my eyes afraid of what I was about to find… as I slowly return to consciousness I saw Jesus staring me in the face… ok not really, but that would have been awesome! :) It was the eyes of my daughter, something had awoken her from sleep and as she often does she headed straight for my bedside. Once, I realized it was not the Messiah coming to take me home, I gathered my thoughts and gently asked her what was the matter. She was dazed and hardly even awake, so I just reached down and picked her up only to find that she was soaking wet. She had wet her bed. I quickly got up changed her clothes, her bed, and got her warm and comfortable. As soon as I tucked her back in bed she turned over and went right to sleep. Her world was right again. I was not angry for the inconvenience, I didn’t feel the need for her to know I had just fallen asleep after a restless night; in fact I was glad she came to me. When my daughter has a problem her first instinct is to come to me. She has no fear of what she will find, she knows I love her and will take care of her.
I returned to bed and went back to sleep. The next morning I was at Starbucks (I know big surprise) journaling. Then God brought to mind my prayer for him to speak to me just before my daughter’s nighttime interruption. God began to reveal His answer to that prayer. I began to weep as God showed me my deepest desire… My daughter woke up cold and uncomfortable, without much thought she came to my side, found me kind and willing to help. Her needs were met and she was returned to a place of safety. Even though she had peed all over herself, I loved her, held her, and fixed her mess. How I long to know my Father like that! When I find myself cold, wet, and covered in my own mess I hesitate to seek my heavenly Father. I am afraid I will seek Him and find Him absent, uninterested, or angry. How I long to be picked up and cared for…
I am a selfish mess of a man, yet I still so love my children! I am passionately and intentionally committed to them knowing they are loved. When they are acting the most unlovable I speak my words of love over them. I tell them I love them when they are being obedient perfect little angels, I tell them of my love even more loudly when they are breaking all the rules and throwing food in my face. I love them because of who they are, not how they behave. I will make hundreds (ok probably thousands) of mistakes as I raise my kids, but my deepest desire is that they will never doubt I love them… If I even though I am evil can love like that, what must God’s love be like? What is His heart for me? Could He be passionate about me knowing He loves me? When I am being most unlovable, could He really be intentionally proclaiming His love over me even louder? When I wake up cold, wet, and stuck in my own mess can I run to His side and find Him gentle and kind. Would He really hold me, change me, and bring me back to a place of safety… if this is true about Him what else really matters! It’s true! That is what God was speaking to me that night!
