The Least of These

“Truly I tell you, the tax collectors and the prostitutes are going into the kingdom of God ahead of you”. - Matthew 21:31B

 I have been back from Indonesia for a little over a week. It has been a struggle to put all that I have seen and experienced in a neat little package. There are so many faces and stories that run through my mind. We walked in places where the darkness is seeking to kill and destroy. Our feet treaded among the dead as we walked through a cemetery where prostitutes turn tricks for pocket change. We spent time among those withering and dying as they are locked away and forgotten. We spent time among people who lost what little they had as flood waters washed it all away.

 

The faces of these places of human suffering impacted my heart, yet my take away was not the power of darkness; it was rather the wonder of the kingdom of God. These are people who have been called the least, forgotten, unworthy, and shameful – yet, walking among the darkness of the cemetery, I saw His light breaking through; it is breaking though in the beautiful faces of these women that the world wants to forget! In these women I saw authentic hunger for the touch of their savior. In them I saw a love for the community around them. In them I saw his joy and peace. As I prayed with them, held them, and looked in their eyes - I saw His eyes looking back at me. These women are not forgotten, for He has remembered them! Though in the kingdom of man they may be consider last, it is not so in His kingdom. I truly felt honored to be among them and it is I who is not worthy of them!

As I reflect on my time among these people that my heart now loves - I think about the words of Jesus in the verse above. It was to people like those we met that Jesus showed unyielding grace, love and mercy. However, it was those who already had it all figured out, who took it on themselves to decide what was clean and unclean, and took pride and confidence in their religion - it was these who missed the kingdom of God even as it walk among them in the flesh.   

My take away from this trip is simply a willingness to not have it all figured out, to not find confidence in my good deeds, my church attendance, or in my good ‘spiritual disciplines’, rather I am just in awe of the love of my savior and the power of His goodness to shine through any darkness. I am in awe of His gentle love that holds the broken close, His tender voice that speaks life amongst the dead and His wiliness to call a prostitute His own daughter as He walks among her as her loving Daddy! If God does not look down in Judgment on these hurting souls, then I will not be among those who throw the first stone! God’s love truly has the power to transform and I have seen this beautiful exchange in the flesh and my life will never be the same...

A Journey to Trust

Wow, it has been a long time since I have posted anything. So much life has happened over the last year and a half! There is a picture I deeply want to paint of the journey God has brought us through, but as I have typed and re-typed I realize words fail... at least mine :). So, I will just do my best and pray God paints the picture for you.

 I am beginning to discover an amazing and powerful truth! A truth not just known in my mind, but rather a truth that is changing the way I live. This truth is that God is always God no matter what is going on around you, and your identity and value to Him are not to be gauged by the way your life seems to be going. I know it sounds simple and we all already know that, right? It is easily said, but I think as God helps us live this truth out it can dramatically change the weight of life’s struggles on our shoulders. Let me give you example from my own life and why I think this truth holds such power.

This past year and half has been a bit of a challenge in the area of my health. I have had some very odd medical issues that have had me in the hospital several times and seeing many, many specialty doctors. I have not felt all that well for more than a day or two for this whole season of life. I have prayed over and over that the next doctor would have an answer for me, only to be disappointed by another dead end and large medical bill. There have been times where I felt deeply discouraged and left alone. However, what I missed in the journey was that God was at work in all of the unanswered questions, He was working while I felt abandoned. He was changing me; He was drawing me closer to Him and doing an amazing work. God wasted not one moment of the painful days or unmet expectations. What I was not aware of on the surface is that deep down I gauged my identity and my security with God based on how life circumstances were going. When a doctor didn’t have an answer for me the pain I felt was that God was letting me down and not interested in my struggles. As God began to woo me to trust him more fully I began to let go of my need for answers, I began to simply press into Him no matter the result. We had a bit of a rest from some of the medical woos until last week, and in this moment God revealed the fruit of the work He was doing in my life…

It started with an opportunity for me and my wife to leave for a few days without our kids. Jenny and I were so looking forward to a time to get away and recharge! Prior to leaving things seemed to just be happening. I lost my wallet right before leaving, my son got sick and threw up on me as we dropped him off with friends on the way to the airport, had some work problems, etc. In the midst of things building, Jen and I felt a strong sense that God was saying that he was giving us an opportunity to trust him. Without going into too much detail, the next few days were full of things going great and things going opposite of what I would have hoped for, however we were engaging in the opportunity to trust and God took each moment, good and ‘bad’ and showed us His profound goodness. He gave us clear glimpses of where we have been and where He has taken us. God brought us to moments of our wounded past and showed how He has brought healing and restoration. He gave us clear and overwhelming pictures of how he has filled in gaps and brought such blessing to our lives.

When we got home the opportunity to trust continued! We got home Sunday evening. After heading off to bed I woke up to my throat swelling shut, I woke my wife and she called 911 and off I went in another ambulance ride for another expensive hospital stay… here we go again…  but no this time it was different…

 God in his goodness brought me back to a painful place and gave me a chance to walk with Him in trust. While trusting and knowing God was not absent, but actively at work for my good, my eyes were fully open to the blessing of God in the middle of a struggle. I came away realizing the gift God had given me. I no longer need to fret about how things will turn out, I am confident that I am safe in His arms and that he profoundly loves me. I fully know He is not wasting a moment! He is bringing life from every hurt, pain, and struggle!  As I was lying in the ambulance I can honestly say I was more excited to see what God was going to do rather than feeling the hurt of being alone, or the anger of being here again. 

As we walk through times of pain and hurt I believe the enemy of our souls thrives on these moments and starts speaking lies over us. He wants us to be angry, to feel left alone and to turn to our own devices to cope. However, when we have come to a place of belief that God is deeply for us and when we feel most safe wrapped in His embrace, we shut the mouth of the devil and strip him of his power, if every struggle, pain, and fear drives me to the feet of my savior, where is the devils power?! It is no more; his voice is powerless and defeated by the deafening truth that God is for you!

Welcoming Embrace

For a few months I was really struggling with depression and feeling very hopeless in my faith. I felt very disconnected from God and my trust in His goodness was starting to slip. One night I was feeling so overwhelmed and hopeless, I cried out to God that I needed Him to speak to me… I am convinced He did in the most unusual way!

Sleep was escaping me that night, I tossed and I turned and tossed again. Finally, I drifted off to sleep. Ah sleep at last! Suddenly I had the unmistakable feeling I was being watched! I slowly opened my eyes afraid of what I was about to find… as I slowly return to consciousness I saw Jesus staring me in the face… ok not really, but that would have been awesome! :) It was the eyes of my daughter, something had awoken her from sleep and as she often does she headed straight for my bedside. Once, I realized it was not the Messiah coming to take me home, I gathered my thoughts and gently asked her what was the matter. She was dazed and hardly even awake, so I just reached down and picked her up only to find that she was soaking wet. She had wet her bed. I quickly got up changed her clothes, her bed, and got her warm and comfortable. As soon as I tucked her back in bed she turned over and went right to sleep. Her world was right again. I was not angry for the inconvenience, I didn’t feel the need for her to know I had just fallen asleep after a restless night; in fact I was glad she came to me. When my daughter has a problem her first instinct is to come to me. She has no fear of what she will find, she knows I love her and will take care of her.

I returned to bed and went back to sleep. The next morning I was at Starbucks (I know big surprise) journaling. Then God brought to mind my prayer for him to speak to me just before my daughter’s nighttime interruption. God began to reveal His answer to that prayer. I began to weep as God showed me my deepest desire… My daughter woke up cold and uncomfortable, without much thought she came to my side, found me kind and willing to help. Her needs were met and she was returned to a place of safety. Even though she had peed all over herself, I loved her, held her, and fixed her mess. How I long to know my Father like that! When I find myself cold, wet, and covered in my own mess I hesitate to seek my heavenly Father. I am afraid I will seek Him and find Him absent, uninterested, or angry. How I long to be picked up and cared for…

I am a selfish mess of a man, yet I still so love my children! I am passionately and intentionally committed to them knowing they are loved. When they are acting the most unlovable I speak my words of love over them. I tell them I love them when they are being obedient perfect little angels, I tell them of my love even more loudly when they are breaking all the rules and throwing food in my face. I love them because of who they are, not how they behave. I will make hundreds (ok probably thousands) of mistakes as I raise my kids, but my deepest desire is that they will never doubt I love them… If I even though I am evil can love like that, what must God’s love be like? What is His heart for me? Could He be passionate about me knowing He loves me? When I am being most unlovable, could He really be intentionally proclaiming His love over me even louder? When I wake up cold, wet, and stuck in my own mess can I run to His side and find Him gentle and kind. Would He really hold me, change me, and bring me back to a place of safety… if this is true about Him what else really matters! It’s true! That is what God was speaking to me that night!

Surpassing Understanding

‘The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.’

Several nights ago I had a night to remember! I spent the evening with my 2 ½ year old (Alaina) and my 3 month old (Caleb) while my wife was babysitting for some friends. The night started off very normal. Caleb was down for a nap and I was playing Legos with Alaina. All of the sudden I had a strong feeling something wasn’t right. I got up and headed down the hall when I caught the unmistakable smell of something burning. I started to frantically search the house for the source of the smell. My search took me to the storage closet downstairs. I opened the door to the closet and found a bag of Alaina’s baby clothes that were beginning to burn! Somehow the bag was resting against an exposed light bulb in the closet; it was smoldering and starting to burn the ceiling. I quickly grabbed the bag and tossed it outside. Right at that moment all of the smoke detectors in the house went off! I ran upstairs and found a very frightened Alaina trembling terrified of the noise. I grabbed her and headed back downstairs. When I arrived downstairs I noticed a warm glow from outside coming through the curtains, as I opened the curtain I was shocked to find 7 to 8 foot flames rolling up the side of my house. It quickly turned into a comical scene as I tried to convince a 2 ½ year old that her daddy frantically running in and out of the house and all over the yard looking for something to use to extinguish the fire was totally normal. I kept telling her she had nothing to worry about… she wasn’t buying it!

I got the fire out and as my adrenaline started to subside I was overcome with thankfulness. Had I found that bag 1 minute later I would have discovered a closet completely engulfed in flames! I would have had no other choice than to grab my children, take them out into the cold and watch our house burn down! I can’t imagine what a terrible sight that would have been for Alaina! I have no doubt that the unshakable feeling that something wasn’t right was God telling me to act right now. I was so thankful for his caring for my family; however my most thankful moment was still yet to come.

After the excitement had passed Alaina was very unsettled by the whole experience. She would not let me leave her presence or put her down. As we headed into her room for bedtime that night she was still holding very tightly to her daddy. I really didn’t think she was going to be able to sleep in her room. I tried to go through our typical bedtime routine, but it just wasn’t happening. Finally, I asked Alaina if we could pray… she said yes, so I held her tightly in my arms as we talked to her heavenly Daddy about the event that was so rocking her night. I asked Him to hold her and give her peace. When I said amen, Alaina immediately crawled out of my lap and into her bed. As I just watched she said her own 2 year old prayers and went right to sleep. I left her room completely moved by the goodness of our Father!

I am aware that a 2 ½ year old has a very limited concept of God, yet in the midst of her lack of understanding God gave her real, tangible, unexplainable PEACE. This is God’s promise for me! He promises me a peace that transcends my own understanding to guard my heart and mind. Yet, I rarely seek peace in this way. Rather, I want to first understand, for I still somehow believe that understanding will result in peace. I have not understood so much of my life of late, however, the real problem is that I so often miss the beautiful fact that my Daddy is always there offering a peace that transcends everything else.

I can’t find the words to express to you the love I feel for my children. I love them fiercely. I desire nothing but good for them. I so hated seeing my daughter frightened that night! I was faced with my own powerlessness to provide her the peace she needed. Yet, as I walked away from her room I was completely convinced that her Daddy (and mine) had her firmly in His embraced… I still don’t fully understand how she was able to rest in the embrace of a God she doesn’t really understand. However, I just know I want to be more like her... I want to be able to rest in my lack of understanding and simply be held by my Father…

Stand Firm

“If you do not stand firm in your faith,

you will not stand at all.” Isaiah 7:9 B

These words are penetrating my soul at the moment. As I read this verse in Isaiah I notice it is underlined, highlighted, and circled in my bible. I remember how I so loved this verse and I can hear my old enthusiastic amen ringing in my head! I felt oh so confident in my determination to ‘stand in my faith’. I would never be shaken!

Oh how I was wrong! The words of this verse are so much more true to me today. However, I struggle more now than ever to ‘stand in faith’. In years past this was just a beautiful ideal. To me it meant nothing more than my effort to not overly worry about anything and then God would come through and prove I had nothing to worry about in the first place. Well, that is not standing in faith at all! That is just positive thinking and my own imagination. Faith goes so far beyond that understanding. Faith is a knowing that no matter what it looks like, feels like, or your own instincts tell you the only place of safety is in your knowledge of God. It is choosing to let Him into every part of your life (even the most painful) and submitting to His Holy work of healing. It is choosing to stay engaged with him even when the circumstances of life seem to be contradicting His character.

When my faith is being put to the fires, I am constantly looking for something else to stand firm in. Something more immediate, something I can control. When God in His infinite goodness brings me face to face with my doubts and brokenness, I still quickly buy into the lie that I can stand firm in something other than He. When I am slighted by a friend, suffering with pain, or struggling as a parent I just want to run to something else… anything else! I still believe that I can protect myself.

The truth of this verse however, has been confirmed over and over. God IS my only sure refuge. His answers for my pain may not be the immediate answer I am often seeking. Yet, when I have stood in faith and entrusted my weakness and fear to no other than God Himself, I have found a love and grace so far beyond the temporal relief my own efforts brought. Why then do I still so often choose to stand in anything other than being fully dependent on God to keep me? Oh Lord, save me from me!

Faith Like a Child

Several nights ago I was awoken from a deep sleep by the panicked screams of my 2 year old daughter. She was crying out daddy, daddy, daddy! I jumped out of bed and raced into her room. There I found a terrified little girl wanting to be held by her daddy. She had experienced her first nightmare. As I did my best to interpret the unique language of a toddler, I was able to conclude that her nightmare had something to do with some kind of crazy killer vacuum cleaner. As I held her firmly she started to calm down and melt into my arms. I could actually feel the safety and security she was experiencing simply by being held by her daddy. At that moment what had so terrified her moments ago mattered little for she was now in the care of her daddy!

I then told her how silly it is to be afraid of a vacuum cleaner! I told her that next time she has such an irrational response to her emotions she should try and work it out herself before involving me… Of course I didn't say that! I didn't care that her fears were irrational! I only cared that she was afraid and hurting. Nothing could have stopped me from comforting her! However, how often I handle my own irrational fears and immaturity as though God's response to me would be as I described above. I spend so much time 'processing' in an attempt to work out my own life. My adult brain tells me that I should not be feeling what I am feeling, so I try to logically convince myself that there is nothing to fear. The truth, however, is that I am still just a little kid afraid of a vacuum!

I think my daughters response to her fearful nightmare was such a beautiful picture of what it means to have childlike faith. My daughter didn't try to reason or handle her fear on her own, rather when confronted with something that frighten her she knew only one response... Daddy, daddy, daddy! Oh what I can learn from her!

Deliverance

As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him. 43And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years,[a] but no one could heal her. 44She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped. Luke 8:43-44

We are all very familiar with this story. What an amazing healing after 12 years of pain and bondage! We meet this woman at the end of her long struggle. However, I believe the preceding 12 years truly tell the story. At times on her journey of healing this moment, standing face to face with her healer must have seemed worlds away. Was her healing simply in this moment? Or, had a sovereign God been preparing her for this encounter for all those years that she felt left alone? Had this passage read ‘a woman had suffered from bleeding for the past 5 minutes’ this healing would not have been so remarkable.

45"Who touched me?" Jesus asked. When they all denied it, Peter said, "Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you."

46But Jesus said, "Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me."

47Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. Luke 8:45-47

I find it quite strange that the reaction to this apparent deliverance was fear and insecurity! She was just set free from 12 years of suffering! Where is the jumping up and down? Should she not be dancing in the streets? Yet, we find her trembling in fear, afraid that she will be discovered. I would suggest that her deliverance was still another word away! God had something more in mind for this woman than to stop her bleeding, He wished to reach her suffering heart, to speak something of himself to her and to declare her identity in Him.

48Then he said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace."

He called her daughter! That was the deliverance! This was the healing that started for her 12 years earlier. All the times over these 12 years that this woman had felt abandoned, alone, and rejected her Dad was at work for her good. He was orchestrating this scene! He had brought her to the end of all she knew, so that stripped of all else she could hear the tender, loving, and powerful voice of her dad proclaiming that she was HIS. A woman who entered this story broken, despised, and alone encounters her healer in her greatest weakness and it was here that God spoke life to her wounded heart! She came to him nothing and left a daughter of the King… a princess! Now that’s deliverance!!! Oh yeah, and her bleeding stop…

Never let Go

I played in a softball game the other day and on my way back to my car after the game I noticed a woman screaming at her daughter for not unlocking her door in a timely manner. This woman was truly enraged by what to most would seem so trivial. I do not think this woman is any more evil than any of us; her brokenness is simply controlling her life and actions. She is struggling to cope with her pain and tragically the amazing woman God created her to be is masked. This woman is a total stranger to me and I know nothing of her past, but I am willing to bet that her growing up was filled with anger and volatility and now her daughter will grow up much the same.


Let me back up a moment and tell you a little about what had been going on in my heart prior to noticing this exchange between a parent and child. As I was driving to the game I was listening to a David Crowder song called Never Let Go, the song speaks of God’s faithfulness and firm grip on our lives. I love this song and have heard it countless times; however in this moment I knew God was speaking to my heart something new. Back up even earlier in my day and I was reading a book that was speaking of the brokenness in our lives and our natural coping mechanisms. The author described how we can become damaging to the people around us and not even realize our action since we are functioning from a point of survival and our grip with reality is blurred by our own pain.


So, let’s return to the scene in the parking lot, this woman was painting a clear picture of the authors warning about our survival patterns. Reality would say that a child not unlocking the door quickly enough is not something to get angry about, however through the filter of her own damaged life that reality was lost. And this is what God was speaking to me through the song that I was moved by on the way to the game. He was faithful to not let go of me in my brokenness! That should be me; I should be lost in my world of coping and be leaving a legacy of damage and destruction. Yet, God in His amazing love and grace rescued me! He brought me the greatest blessings I could have ever hoped for, he brought me to reality! And what were the blessings that He used to bring about such healing? It was losing everything that I held on to for comfort, it was a few years of the greatest pain I have ever walked through. I will spare you the details, but the last few years of my life have been a bit of a roller coaster ride. Yet, I am more thankful to God for bringing me face to face with my pain than any other gift He has given me! God is not cruel; He does not bring the pain for its own sake! I already had the pain in my life; however, it was hidden in my world of survival!


I have prayed since the moment I knew I would be a dad that I would pass on a new legacy to my children, I didn’t fully know what that prayer meant, but I am starting to see the path God needed to take me down to answer that prayer. He needed to heal my pain! We often walk through a season of pain, failure, and struggle only to feel that God has abandoned us or worse yet that He is punishing us for not measuring up. This could not be further from the truth; we serve a God that will never let go of us! He is always working for our good. God had no other choice than to strip me bare in order that I might find Him as He really is, and it is here in reality that life becomes a passionate pursuit of Him that pursued us. I have tasted and seen that He is good and I am hungry for more! And this will be the legacy that I will pass on to my children! Run after God for He is more than you can ever imagine Him to be!

Adopted

10This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us
19We love because he first loved us.
1 John 4:10, 19

I struggle to write what is on my heart for words fail to express the picture I wish to paint. However, I will write what I can and pray that God will take the words and speak to your heart that which He has been speaking to mine.

I want you for a moment to imagine that you have decided to adopt a child. You know something of this child’s experiences thus far in life; you know that the home you brought him out of was a place of turmoil. His father was an angry man; he was verbally and physically abusive. His mother was emotionally disconnected and unable to provide the love and care the child so deeply needed. The only constant in his life was pain and fear. He had never felt loved or protected.

As you bring this hurting child into your home are you going to expect him to love you? Will you demand that he respects you? Will you be angry when he struggles to trust you? Would you not rather understand that this little boy will need to experience your goodness before he is able to start to trust? Would you not understand that he needs to know your love before he is capable of giving you love in return? Before I move on to my point I want us to remember that our goodness is but a rain drop to the ocean in comparison to God’s goodness.

Whether or not your home was as extreme as the child’s home I described above, we have all been broken and are in need of healing. God has adopted us and brought us into his home, and we like the little boy do our best to try and fit in, to follow the rules and act as if we are part of the family. Yet, deep down we fear we will be discovered and forced to leave this new found place of peace. Others tell us that if we love this Father who has rescued us then we will obey him. Here starts our belief that we must perform to remain in His family. We have moments of tasting the goodness of this new home and we long to love the Father who brought us here, yet the fear that it will all end the moment our true self is discovered tempers our joy.

However, when I read the proclamation in scripture that says we love God because He first loved us, I am captivated by the picture of Father God taking us in just like the damaged little child. As we are being brought out of our brokenness and taken into His loving, healing home He knows we are not capable of love. Yet, the Father with a zealous love runs to us, fully aware that we cannot give love in return. He pleads with us to drop the charade and our efforts to prove that we belong in His family. He wants to show us that he loves us even where we feel most unlovable. He wants us to live in the freedom that comes from knowing we are not going to one day be found out. He wants us to hear the good news that we have already been found out! Our secrets are revealed, our brokenness is exposed and we are still LOVED, cherished, and adored. We have been welcomed home! We have been invited to dine with the King and there is nothing we can say or do to be cast away from His presence!

What a powerful truth! God himself is willing to bend low and teach me how to love, to help me learn to trust. He is not demanding my affection or obedience, nor is He concerned about my performance, He just wants me! He is asking to walk with me through my darkness so I don’t have to face my pain alone. He is offering us the healing that comes when we cease pretending that we love God and honestly admit to Him that we feel unlovable and we do not know how to love. From this place of vulnerability we can allow an infinitely loving God to touch us at our deepest core. As His love begins to show us that we are safe in His presence and that we belong in His family, we can stand and take our seat at the King’s table in the unshakable assurance that we are passionately loved, completely safe and eternally secure. We have been loved and we will find that an authentic love for the One who loved us has been born.

Blindness

6He told the crowd to sit down on the ground. When he had taken the seven loaves and given thanks, he broke them and gave them to his disciples to set before the people, and they did so. 7They had a few small fish as well; he gave thanks for them also and told the disciples to distribute them. 8The people ate and were satisfied. Afterward the disciples picked up seven basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over. Mark 8:6-8


14The disciples had forgotten to bring bread, except for one loaf they had with them in the boat. 15"Be careful," Jesus warned them. "Watch out for the yeast of the Pharisees and that of Herod." 16They discussed this with one another and said, "It is because we have no bread." 17Aware of their discussion, Jesus asked them: "Why are you talking about having no bread? Do you still not see or understand? Are your hearts hardened? 18Do you have eyes but fail to see and ears but fail to hear? And don't you remember? 19When I broke the five loaves for the five thousand, how many basketfuls of pieces did you pick up?" "Twelve," they replied. 20"And when I broke the seven loaves for the four thousand, how many basketfuls of pieces did you pick up?" They answered, "Seven."
21He said to them, "Do you still not understand?" Mark 8:14-21

Imagine the surge of faith that must have come from watching 5,000 hungry souls be feed with 7 loaves of bread in the middle of nowhere! What a moment! What a powerful display of the unlimited resources of God... And what was the response from these men of faith at such a sight? “Oh no, we are out of bread, now what are we going to do for food!” As much as I wish I could stand and throw stones at the disciples for their blindness to the wonder of God, I must confess my close kinship to their pattern of thinking!

Jesus responded to his followers doubt with these soul piercing questions, “Do you have eyes, but still fail to see? Do you have ears, yet fail to hear? Do you still not understand?” As I read these words I hear my heart resound with a deafening YES! No matter how good God showed himself to me yesterday, I still doubt today! I long to stand boldly in unwavering knowledge of God like Jesus! I ache to respond when I stand in need as he did and confidently say “thank you Dad for these 7 loaves which are obviously not enough to feed this crowd, yet I know you! I know you can not only feed them with these small loaves, but I know you are so good, so extravagant , that there will probably be an abundance left over!”

I don’t know why my eyes fail or my ears go deaf when I am faced with what seems to be not enough. Yet, He remains faithful whether I believe it or not. So, all I can do is reach for Him in the darkness of my failing eyes and admit my blindness. I stand afraid crying out to the one who opens the eyes of the blind… Have mercy on me, I want to see!

Mustard Seeds and Mountians

19Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, "Why couldn't we drive it out?"
20He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:19-20

Were Jesus words to His disciples simply a reprimand of their lack of belief that the demons would leave the boy? I have always imagined this passage in the following tone: “you weak minded disciples! If you had faith as small as a little mustard seed you could cast a mountain into the see, yet you don’t even have enough to cast out a demon!” However, as God has been rewriting my definition of faith, I am finding that faith is not about my power to believe in a desired result; rather it is about my knowledge of the nature of Him in whom I have placed my trust. With that perspective on faith this verse takes a much different tone for me.

I do not believe Jesus is simply using hyperbole, I believe the vivid image he paints of a mountain being cast to the sea was meant to capture the imagination of his audience. He meant to enthrall them with the majesty of His dad! What I hear Jesus saying is “dear child, if you only had a mustard seed sized glimpse of the glory of my Father, you would know His heart for this little child that has been tormented. And more than that, you could say to that mountain over there, cast yourself into the sea and it would be done! I was there when the voice of my Dad called forth that mountain from the sea; I have heard His powerfully tender word bring peace out of chaos. I have seen the author of all life and He is good! My friends, you have not yet begun to discover the greatness of this God who loves you!”

I no longer believe that the answer to the struggle and pain of my life is in the amount of my ‘faith’. If I am sick, do I need to have more faith in healing? If I am poor, do I just need more belief in prosperity? No! I believe the answer to all our pain, fear, and anxiety is God himself. I believe real faith begins when we remove our masks and our attempts to care for ourselves. When we take our raw unfiltered brokenness into the throne room of our Father and allow Him to tenderly replace our distorted views of Him with the healing revelation of His goodness. No matter what the circumstance the need is the same, we need God to show us more of Himself!

Though my life is often a roller coaster ride of up and down emotions, I am fully convinced that the answer to my turmoil is summed up in this thought… If a mustard seed sized revelation of God can send a mountain into the sea, what must He be like…?

For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse. Romans 1:20

If it is true that God can be clearly seen and be understood by looking at what He has made, I think we would be wise to stop and listen to what creation is saying! I do not wish to engage in a debate around the politics (and there are a lot of politics!) of the climate change movement, rather I want to listen to what the planet is revealing about God and to take a moment to stand in awe of He who creates.

I believe we have been called to steward this planet well, however the key to being a good steward is an understanding of ownership. The moment a steward takes ownership of that which has been entrusted to him, he is no longer acting in the best interest of the owner. It is my belief that mankind has taken ownership of creation. We have banded together to proclaimed our reign as the gods of the universe. In order to maintain our role as the center of all, we have had to deafen our ears to the loud cries of the planet as it proclaims God the rightful ruler. Rather than teaching our children to awe at the beauty, order, and artistry of the masterwork of God, we instead fill them with the fear that the planet is on a tight rope and that we are to save the world. These tactics are filling our children with fear and anxiety while ignoring the fact that God is the one who holds the universe in the palm of His hand. We buy into the lie that this place is a fortunate accident just waiting to undo itself. We point to the fact that the balance needed to sustain life is so complex and fragile and therefore we must be the ones to control it. However, the complexity of earths design should begin to open our ears to the voice of creation pointing to the infinite unfathomable creator.

Think of the course of human history and the foresight of our God as He spoke and continues to speak the world into order. If you take the view that the earth appeared from some primordial soup, how do we account for the resilience of this rock we all occupy! How does this happy accident continue to sustain a massive population of nearly 7 billion? How do you explain the built in sustainability of this planet? We have forested nearly 83% of the worlds forest (a fact that is used to insight fear in our children) yet we currently have more forest than we did 100 years ago (a fact not told to our children). The forest can be reborn, why? Consider our carbon output, this is a source of much fear and controversy, yet to me this is another sign pointing to the amazing design of this planet! Our carbon output has increased dramatically since the dawn of the industrial age; however the ocean still continues to be able to process the increased output with no sign of reaching capacity. What a testament to the foreknowledge and grace of God, before the industrial age was even a thought, He had already built the perfect system to handle man’s advancements as well as our gross mismanagement. Are we to believe it’s just a 1 in a trillion shot that this planet came with a built in system to process man’s future endeavors? What a fortunate turn of events that every part of this place is designed for sustainability! What luck that the seasons change, the crops bloom, the rains replenish, and that the seas cleanse. God designed this planet to work! Don’t you think it is time to stand up and give all the glory and praise to the Creator and cease to bow down to His creation?

Consider our arrogance as humans for a moment; we have determined we know how to maintain this delicate balance! Take China for an example, with a soaring population and fear of not being able to sustain the growth, they enact strict population controls and tragically end the life of innumerable voiceless babies. What is the result of our own management? China now faces a population in sharp decline and the reality of not enough new life to sustain the country. How about our constant attempts to be Lord of the animal kingdom, we do not want an animal to go extinct because we determine it is not supposed to be. However, how many times have our efforts to re-introduce a species only done more damage to the delicate balance of the eco system? We never stop to seek the voice of the author of life; perhaps He truly meant that there was a time and season for everything under the sun. Perhaps each aspect of life is part of His perfect plan, and He knows when the purpose of each of His creations has been fulfilled.

I am not saying we should not care for our planet! I am only saying we should remove ourselves from the center of the universe and bow our knee to the God who made life to work. We should stop pretending to know best and thank God for His grace as He repairs and restores this home which we are unable to hold together. The greatest tragedy to me is that we have completely sold ourselves to a cause that we have very little control over, yet so many of us are not consumed with the real brokenness of this planet! The fact that as I sit to type these words thousands of children are dying of hunger is WRONG! Let’s cash in our carbon credits and spend them on orphans and widows! I can’t help but dream of what could be done if we all banded together and proclaimed Him ruler of the planet and spent our days consumed with bringing His healing to the broken! Isn’t it time to set our children free from the fear that the earth is on the brink and allow them the peace and confidence that comes from being in the masterfully care of the God who created them? Maybe then we could raise up a generation full of love for their fellowman and a passion to right the wrongs of injustice…

Blessed Defeat

Below is a prayer from my journal. It was in the moment of this prayer that I was confronted with the truth that much of my current struggle comes from my desire to be on the throne. I believe the lie that I am safest in my own care. In my desire for safety, I am fighting against Him who can alone keep me safe. I am beginning to know the freedom of being defeated! This prayer is now my reminder to quickly surrender to the safety of blessed defeat…

God,
I let go of the idea of control. I have longed to take the reins of my life for I do not trust you. I do not believe that you can provide the safety for which my control attempts to obtain. However, I have nowhere else to turn, I am fully and painfully aware that my sense of control is but an illusion and that my kingdom is but a pretense. So, here I am, trembling in fear for I must surrender my command. I confess my desire is to flee from you and return to a place of my own rule, yet I choose to stay here trembling at your feet fully aware of my defeat. In this moment I let my kingdom fall in surrender to you the only true King. As I stand in the rubble of my shattered reign, I am overcome by your Majesty and I proclaim you my King! You have overthrown my kingdom and what a joyous relief! No longer do I bear the weight of my kingship; I have been defeated by the King of Love. In your kindness you have removed me from my throne for I was enslaved by my own rule. However, what I had been deeply longing for was the freedom that comes from being in the care of the one true King. I am finally safe in the tender embrace of the all powerful, never changing, King! What a blessed defeat!

Purpose in Pain

In my last post I spoke of the time of darkness and pain I have been walking through. Although I must confess the journey continues and there are still moments of pain, for the most part I am simply overcome by the grace of God! He has opened my eyes to the purpose in my pain. I wrote the prayer below when I was 18 years old. Going into this season of trial I had no idea that it was the beginning of God answering this prayer from so many years ago:

“My heart feels so empty! It’s been broken to many times, parents that disappoint, friends that let you down. All my lost hopes and shattered dreams. I’ve built so many walls around my heart, walls that keep me from the joy and peace you died to give me and that keep me from your gentle and healing hands. So, Lord I give my heart to you, in your loving kindness tear down these walls. Though it may be painful I know your healing hand is at work, mending the broken pieces together with caring precision. With every thread your love becomes more real; with every piece you’re drawing me closer to you, until my heart beats with yours.”

God is at work! He is mending my brokenness. He is restoring me to the man He created me to be. In the midst of the pain, I feel hope dawning! I am confident that He who started this work is bringing it to completion. At times on this journey my flesh would scream for me to run from the pain! My instincts would tell me to protect myself and not to feel pain. Yet, God in His grace first started me on this path of healing by showing me more of Him. As the image of my creator gained clarity I found Him safer than the false shelters to which I used to run. He opened my eyes to the truth of who He is. Though I did not know how to trust Him, I began to believe Him trustworthy. As my heart dared to believe the truth of His grace, I began to find Him to be more than I had ever hoped.

Words fail to express the tenderness of God as He mends our wounds. When we began to know Him we find the courage to face our pain, and it is there we see its holy purpose. When we stop running from the hurt we will find the hand of God working for our highest good. In this place we discover a God who is so much more than we could have hoped for. We find Majesty Himself bending low to dress our wounds! We will find Him unashamed of our disease and skillfully working to remove our infection. Healing starts with knowing Him - this leads to knowing ourselves in relationship to him – which leads to the courage to face our brokenness and pain – this then allows us to find true healing and freedom! That is the journey I have been walking. Though I have felt much pain in this season, as I look back I can truly say this has been such a blessed time of my life! God is so trustworthy and good!!!

Darkness and Doubt

It has been a long time since I have sat down to write! I haven’t had the energy to put my fingers to the keys, nor had the clarity to express what has been on my heart. These past weeks and months have been a time of darkness and doubt in my life. I have been faced head on with the question of whether I will trust God with my life. But how do I trust Him when my past and my experiences in this world are shouting to me that I will be let down?

My faith and my reality seem to be at odds! If God has a plan and purpose for my life, why does everything seems to be failing? If the joy of the Lord is my strength, why am I so full of sadness? If He is my loving Father, why does he feel miles away in the midst of my pain? In the past, whenever I was confronted with these doubts, in an attempt to run from the pain, I would simply try to confess the ‘right’ answers to these questions. I would deny the doubt and stand on what I thought was faith. However, for the first time in my life I am allowing God to take me past the surface to the darkest parts of my life. Though this journey is one of pain, it is at this place I am beginning to truly see God. I am finding that His light is brighter than my deepest darkness and that he is neither afraid of nor offended by my doubts. I admit at times I want to leave this path and simply numb the pain. Yet, God in his infinite goodness is calling me to keep going, to honestly admit my doubts, face my fears, and confess all that dwells deep within my being. In this place of discovering who I really am I am actually discovering who He really is! Here I am finding the joy of knowing that though I am often unlovable, I am infinitely loved, that though I am covered in filth, I am eternally cleansed. I am discovering the bliss of being fully known and yet still fully loved, fully adored, and fully His.

This is the journey of the freedom of Christ! Christ has not only set us free from the punishment for our sin, he has also brought cleansing from its stain and healing from the pain of the sins committed against us. He will make us whole in spite of the brokenness of the world around us. When we honestly open our lives to him and allow him into the depth of our depravity, we will meet the God who heals us. We will find the confidence that comes from knowing we are fully known and still loved, cherished, and adored. We will find strength to walk in the healing of the cross of Christ and live in the fullness of joy that He died to give us…

Bread or Manna…?

Deuteronomy 8:16
16 He gave you manna to eat in the desert, something your fathers had never known, to humble and to test you so that in the end it might go well with you.

Much of the Israelites daily lives was all about making bread. They would spend hours in this process, from the gathering of the grains to preparing the ovens for baking. In their world of slavery and despair in Egypt, they found some comfort and peace in knowing they could still provide bread for themselves. Yet, God was preparing to show them their dependence on Him for even this most basic of needs.

As God rescues His people out of their captivity in Egypt, He brings them into the freedom of His provision. He took them to a place where their skill and understanding of providing food was useless to them. Instead, He gave them manna for bread! The food of angels to the world of man! What an amazing way for God to introduce himself as provider to His people and invite them to trust Him. Until now they had only known of God from His mighty works displayed in their flight from Egypt. They had not known Him as the God who cares for them. So God, in His goodness, brings them through a process of trust. Each morning He provides them enough manna for that day. Yet, they immediately in their humanity rush to take more, to set aside extra in case there isn’t enough tomorrow [Exodus 16]! He was asking them to humbly lay down their striving to care for themselves and to fully trust Him for their daily bread. This verse tells us why God chose to feed them this way, ‘to humble and to test you so that in the end it might go well with you’. Why would this journey of faith bring a life of well being? A life lived in the comfort of our ability to care for our needs will always only be as secure as our circumstances. However, a life lived in God’s provision can bring a feast in the desert!

The story then brings us to the warning of verse 17, “You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me." 18 But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth” This warning rings so true to me today in America! We have come to believe in ourselves apart from our dependence on the gracious goodness of our God who provides! We try to stand strong in our power and the strength of our hands, yet we wonder why everything seems to be turning to dust in our grasp. We are being confronted with our own inability as a nation and world. In this place of fear and uncertainty some are running to their governments to find security and safety, or they are running back to their own talents thinking they can keep themselves safe, but they forget that it was God who gave them their abilities. They try and take as much as they can, yet it is simply rotting on their shelves.

In this environment, it is an amazing time for God’s people to learn the lesson of manna! It is a time to allow God to give us our daily bread and let Him tell us how much is enough. It is a time to ask ourselves is my house, my health, and my pay check bread or manna? Am I willing to give myself fully into the care of my God and rest in the quiet peace that comes from knowing He is my provision? Am I ready to live my life fully in His Kingdom, not swayed by the comings and goings of this kingdom? Do I run in panic and fear on the reports of economic collapse, pandemics, climate change, and violence [Matthew 24:6]? Am I spending my efforts trying to preserve a life that is destined to die? Or rather do I trust Him enough to stand up as a voice of peace to those lost in fear? Will I spend myself on caring for those who are hurting and lost without the hope of the goodness of God? Will I be willing to go to the dark and dangerous corners of this world without fear for my life for I know He who cares for me? Will I rest easy knowing He will not fail to bring me to my eternal home? Will I be prepared to dine with the angels in the desert…?