Darkness and Doubt

It has been a long time since I have sat down to write! I haven’t had the energy to put my fingers to the keys, nor had the clarity to express what has been on my heart. These past weeks and months have been a time of darkness and doubt in my life. I have been faced head on with the question of whether I will trust God with my life. But how do I trust Him when my past and my experiences in this world are shouting to me that I will be let down?

My faith and my reality seem to be at odds! If God has a plan and purpose for my life, why does everything seems to be failing? If the joy of the Lord is my strength, why am I so full of sadness? If He is my loving Father, why does he feel miles away in the midst of my pain? In the past, whenever I was confronted with these doubts, in an attempt to run from the pain, I would simply try to confess the ‘right’ answers to these questions. I would deny the doubt and stand on what I thought was faith. However, for the first time in my life I am allowing God to take me past the surface to the darkest parts of my life. Though this journey is one of pain, it is at this place I am beginning to truly see God. I am finding that His light is brighter than my deepest darkness and that he is neither afraid of nor offended by my doubts. I admit at times I want to leave this path and simply numb the pain. Yet, God in his infinite goodness is calling me to keep going, to honestly admit my doubts, face my fears, and confess all that dwells deep within my being. In this place of discovering who I really am I am actually discovering who He really is! Here I am finding the joy of knowing that though I am often unlovable, I am infinitely loved, that though I am covered in filth, I am eternally cleansed. I am discovering the bliss of being fully known and yet still fully loved, fully adored, and fully His.

This is the journey of the freedom of Christ! Christ has not only set us free from the punishment for our sin, he has also brought cleansing from its stain and healing from the pain of the sins committed against us. He will make us whole in spite of the brokenness of the world around us. When we honestly open our lives to him and allow him into the depth of our depravity, we will meet the God who heals us. We will find the confidence that comes from knowing we are fully known and still loved, cherished, and adored. We will find strength to walk in the healing of the cross of Christ and live in the fullness of joy that He died to give us…

Bread or Manna…?

Deuteronomy 8:16
16 He gave you manna to eat in the desert, something your fathers had never known, to humble and to test you so that in the end it might go well with you.

Much of the Israelites daily lives was all about making bread. They would spend hours in this process, from the gathering of the grains to preparing the ovens for baking. In their world of slavery and despair in Egypt, they found some comfort and peace in knowing they could still provide bread for themselves. Yet, God was preparing to show them their dependence on Him for even this most basic of needs.

As God rescues His people out of their captivity in Egypt, He brings them into the freedom of His provision. He took them to a place where their skill and understanding of providing food was useless to them. Instead, He gave them manna for bread! The food of angels to the world of man! What an amazing way for God to introduce himself as provider to His people and invite them to trust Him. Until now they had only known of God from His mighty works displayed in their flight from Egypt. They had not known Him as the God who cares for them. So God, in His goodness, brings them through a process of trust. Each morning He provides them enough manna for that day. Yet, they immediately in their humanity rush to take more, to set aside extra in case there isn’t enough tomorrow [Exodus 16]! He was asking them to humbly lay down their striving to care for themselves and to fully trust Him for their daily bread. This verse tells us why God chose to feed them this way, ‘to humble and to test you so that in the end it might go well with you’. Why would this journey of faith bring a life of well being? A life lived in the comfort of our ability to care for our needs will always only be as secure as our circumstances. However, a life lived in God’s provision can bring a feast in the desert!

The story then brings us to the warning of verse 17, “You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me." 18 But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth” This warning rings so true to me today in America! We have come to believe in ourselves apart from our dependence on the gracious goodness of our God who provides! We try to stand strong in our power and the strength of our hands, yet we wonder why everything seems to be turning to dust in our grasp. We are being confronted with our own inability as a nation and world. In this place of fear and uncertainty some are running to their governments to find security and safety, or they are running back to their own talents thinking they can keep themselves safe, but they forget that it was God who gave them their abilities. They try and take as much as they can, yet it is simply rotting on their shelves.

In this environment, it is an amazing time for God’s people to learn the lesson of manna! It is a time to allow God to give us our daily bread and let Him tell us how much is enough. It is a time to ask ourselves is my house, my health, and my pay check bread or manna? Am I willing to give myself fully into the care of my God and rest in the quiet peace that comes from knowing He is my provision? Am I ready to live my life fully in His Kingdom, not swayed by the comings and goings of this kingdom? Do I run in panic and fear on the reports of economic collapse, pandemics, climate change, and violence [Matthew 24:6]? Am I spending my efforts trying to preserve a life that is destined to die? Or rather do I trust Him enough to stand up as a voice of peace to those lost in fear? Will I spend myself on caring for those who are hurting and lost without the hope of the goodness of God? Will I be willing to go to the dark and dangerous corners of this world without fear for my life for I know He who cares for me? Will I rest easy knowing He will not fail to bring me to my eternal home? Will I be prepared to dine with the angels in the desert…?

Goodness and Faith

2 Chronicles 30:18-20
18 Although most of the many people who came from Ephraim, Manasseh, Issachar and Zebulun had not purified themselves, yet they ate the Passover, contrary to what was written. But Hezekiah prayed for them, saying, "May the LORD, who is good, pardon everyone 19 who sets his heart on seeking God—the LORD, the God of his fathers—even if he is not clean according to the rules of the sanctuary." 20 And the LORD heard Hezekiah and healed the people.

I find in this passage a picture of real faith. Hezekiah instantly knew where his hope lay; it did not come from the purity of the people, or their ceremonies and traditions. His hope was simply in the goodness of God. Much of our appeals are typically based in something other than His goodness. We put our faith in our ability to believe something enough, or in our diligence to confess just the right things. However, our confidence only needs to be in knowing that He is good. Faith is simply an understanding and trust in the nature of God. Faith builds and grows as we allow God to reveal His nature to us; therefore, it can not be manufactured or drummed up by our own efforts to create it.

Faith is a natural response to our life being invaded by His goodness. I love how A.W. Tozer speaks of His goodness in the Knowledge of the Holy! Here he states “The goodness of God is that which disposes Him to be kind, cordial, benevolent, and full of good will toward men. He is tender hearted and quick of sympathy, and His unfailing attitude towards all mortal beings is open, frank, and friendly. By His nature He is inclined to bestow blessedness and He takes holy pleasure in the happiness of His people.” If we allow God to make the truth of His goodness deeply real in our life, we will find that faith has been born! We can now face the hardships of our life walking in the confidence that our heavenly Father is good and knowing that he will carry us through anything we face. Deeper trust emerges as His goodness entices us to open our lives to all of His attributes.

God is revealing Himself to His people! He is opening the door to a richness of life that only true faith can bring. He is replacing our faith in our beliefs, our formulas, and our confessions with a faith grounded in the unchanging beauty of Him. God is not who we have feared Him to be and He is far beyond everything we have dared to hope that He was. When we allow Him to invade our lives in truth we will taste of His goodness, everything else will start to seem empty as we remain simply hungry for more of Him...

Psalm 34:8
8 Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

Vines and Fruit

John 15:5-6
5"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned.

I have spent so much of my Christian life in a vain attempt at being ‘fruitful’. I would read verses of this nature and run off to prove to God and myself that I was a good and fruitful branch! I would bring Him my polished pieces of man made fruit and present them as proof of my own worthiness. However, beneath the surface I always knew that my peace was only plastic and my joy artificial. The truth is that Jesus was never asking me to go and through my own human efforts produce fruit. He spoke clearly in this passage that apart from him I can do nothing [verse 5]. My human attempts to produce fruit will only bring a life of pretending. Christ is calling us to a much different life in this story of vines and fruit…

I think the timing of this story tells us a great deal about its meaning. This parable comes right in the middle of John 14 through 16. This is a powerful portion of scripture in which Jesus begins unfolding for his disciples what the plan of redemption will truly mean; he is describing for them the profound difference in the way they will live. However, as you read this section of scripture you begin to see that the only thing the disciples were hearing was that Christ was leaving. They were already beginning to grieve the approaching loss of this man who had so changed their lives. I find it ironic that Christ uses this moment, in the middle of their grief to tell them that they must remain in him to be fruitful. I can only imagine how confused the disciples were at this apparent contradiction! Yet, as Jesus continues to speak his excitement seems to be building. Several times Jesus addresses his disciple’s sadness with the exclamation that the counselor is coming. Jesus knew of how the disciple’s lives would be changed by this gift of the Holy Spirit that awaited them! He knew that the intimacy they had felt with him while he walked on earth was only a glimpse of the closeness and friendship the Holy Spirit would bring. It is in this place of intimate communion through the Holy Spirit that Jesus describes this picture of a fruitful vine. He uses this not as a command to go and be fruitful, but rather as a warning to remain in the vine of the flowing Holy Spirit, because apart from this connection into the power of the living God we can do nothing.

The amazing part of these beautiful passages is what they mean for us. Jesus is speaking to us just as much as he was to the disciples. He is opening for us a path to a deeper understanding than our human mind could ever comprehend. He is offering to us access to a new way of living apart from our human strivings. He is telling us of the emptiness our vain attempts to produce fruit brings and asking us to stop pretending. He is calling us to allow the working of the Holy Spirit to replace our man-made fruits with the real and lasting fruit of the Holy Spirit. It is in this place of remaining in the vine of deep communion with God that the powerful sap of the Holy Spirit will produce the fruit that comes from a life lived in the intimate care of God…

Galatians 5:22-23
22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

A Tale of Two Armors

1 Samuel 17:38-39
38 Then Saul dressed David in his own tunic. He put a coat of armor on him and a bronze helmet on his head. 39 David fastened on his sword over the tunic and tried walking around, because he was not used to them. "I cannot go in these," he said to Saul, "because I am not used to them." So he took them off.

I just revisited the very familiar story of David and Goliath, I was struck by the humorous picture of David in Saul’s armor. Saul was chosen as King of Israel because of his imposing figure, he stood a head taller than everyone else. His armor would have been huge in comparison to this little boy David. He would have looked much like a child playing dress up in his parents’ clothes. Saul’s attempt to dress David in this earthly form of protection reveals the distinction between Saul and David’s source of confidence. Saul had learned to trust in his strength and power. David, on the other hand was just a boy facing a giant that he knew was beyond his ability to defeat. No amount of earthly weapons would change that, yet David had no doubt of the appending victory.

In this story we don’t detect even the slightest hint of fear in David. I used to always think of this as a tale of courage and of how God responds to boldness and faith. However, I really think it is more about David’s revelation of the nature of God in his life. David revealed his source of strength when he told of his deliverance from the lion and the bear [1 Samuel 17:34-37]. David was just as helpless against the fierce power of those creatures as he was against the Philistine. I would venture to guess that David’s first encounter with those terrifying beasts was a much different scene than the fearless David we see facing down Goliath. I imagine an image of a panic stricken boy terrified for his life and a powerful loving God overcoming the enemy that was seeking to harm His chosen one. As God revealed himself to David as his protector a bold confidence emerged. David no longer viewed his adversaries in relation to himself or his power, but rather in comparison to his Protector. In God even a giant is no threat.

When we are faced with fear we all so often, like Saul, run to our earthly armor. We try to convince ourselves that the threat is not beyond our own strength or ability to control. We will hide in the false protection of our job, our talents, our education, our drive and diligence, or in our relationships. We will try to stand strong in our pretend courage and act as though we are not afraid, yet God sees the quivering little child beneath the armor. He stands calling us to face the truth that the giant is to big for us. He is asking us to put down our earthy protection and take hold of His armor. An armor not of our strength but rather of His mighty power, His healing truth, His gift of righteousness, His perfect peace, and the power of His Spirit. He is inviting us to walk in the faith that comes from knowing God as our protector. He is inviting us to rest in the shadow of His mighty wings knowing that no advisory will be too big for Him…

Ephesians 6:10-18
The Armor of God
10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.

Paradox of Faith

What is God like? We spend much of our Christian life searching to answer this question. We have sought to discover Him in what we read about Him, in what others say, and in the experiences that have shaped our lives. We hear words meant to describe Him, beautiful words like… holy, powerful, merciful, gracious, loving, omnipresent, creator, and father. We tend to apply what our lives have taught us about such words, then give them a slightly loftier meaning and attach them to our image of God. In God however, these meanings are altogether different than anything we have ever known. For example, God’s love is not a higher version of my love for my wife; it is wholly different. We must accept that God’s nature is far outside the realm of our own understanding, and our attempt at making Him fit our definitions simply creates a god of our own imagination.

The tragedy is that we have become more comfortable with the gods we have created! Although it is only a broken picture of a god, at least we know what to expect. If we let go of the safety of the god of our imagination and accept that He is beyond our ability to comprehend, how then can we know what He is like? How do we trust that He is safe? So, in an attempt to hide from the fear of Him we create a god we can control. We pray to this image of the god we have created and wait for it to respond and confirm what we have believed about him. However, God in His grace withholds the answer we expect and seeks instead to reveal the truth of who He is… it is only in finding Him in truth that we are set free. [John 8:32]


When we begin to allow God to be just who He is, we will be confronted by His vastness, His holiness, His limitless power, and the infinite nature of His being. Our hearts will tell us to fear that which we can’t control; we will be tempted to return to our created god for we think him safer. However, we must resist, for when we come before Him just as He is we will encounter a love that only infinite perfection allows. We will be compelled to walk in the grace that only His limitless goodness and all sufficiency make possible. Our heart will begin to find rest in the unchanging nature of God. We will soar with the confidence of knowing He will not change His attitude towards us. When we let go of the image of our created god we open the door to the place where the limitless power of God meets His tender mercies, were His justice meets the cross of Christ and where His unfathomable wisdom meets the heart of the Father. When we cease trying to make God understandable and allow Him to draw our fearful hearts towards his Majesty, we will soon discover that the very traits which had compelled us to fear will become the source of our strength and everlasting joy! As the truth of God penetrates our heart, faith is born. It will no longer be a faith based in our own merit or goodness, but rather a faith grounded in the confidence of beginning to know something of what God is really like!

“The greatness of God rouses fear within us, but His goodness encourages us not to be afraid of Him. To fear and not be afraid –that is the paradox of faith.” – A.W. Tozer

Child of God

I had another topic in mind as I went to write this, however since fatherhood is all so new to me I am compelled to write about my baby girl again. An amazing thing about my daughter is that life is so new for her. It is not often you get to see someone forming their beliefs and expectations from the start. The way a new baby learns to process life before all the brokenness of the world gets in the way, is taking me back to the start of where I think faith should begin, back to the simplicity of a parent and a child. My daughter’s new identity is being shaped by her perception of my attitude towards her. As I am learning how to love her, God is calling me back to an identity formed by His attitude towards me.

One thing you will quickly notice about my child is that she is so alert, she is always looking, reaching, touching, and tasting as she tries to take in the world around her and put all the information together. Though her understanding is very limited you can see that she is beginning to recognize something… her mommy and daddy! Although she does not fully grasp who I am, she does know that when she is upset and frightened, she will find me kind and caring. She knows that when I greet her in the morning she can expect a warm hug and a goofy grin… she may even get the daddy dance! She may not wholly know why, but being in the presence of her mommy and daddy brings her a feeling of contentment and well being. Her experiences with us are teaching her that we can be trusted. As I hold her in my arms, she will reach out her hand to touch my face; she searches out my eyes and just seems to get lost in the discovery of how it feels to be loved.

As I sit and hold my daughter I softly sense the voice of the Father calling me to be His child. He is inviting me to crawl into His lap and curl-up in His arms, to reach for His face and to get lost in His eyes as I discover how it feels to be loved. Though I may not fully grasp all the mysteries of who God is, I can know that He is my daddy and I am safe in His arms… I think this is a great place to restart the journey of knowing Him!

'Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God' - John 1:12